


The Dolly

by Willow555



Series: Short Story Challenge [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: BDSM references if you squint the right way, Gen, Self-Harm, retelling of a fairy tale (kinda)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 01:31:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6683956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willow555/pseuds/Willow555
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The path to becoming a real person is difficult and can be dangerous for those who are broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dolly

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt 3- "A retelling of a fairytale"- Inspiration taken from the story of Pinocchio.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful winter princess dolly. She liked to play dress-up and have her hair played with and all the other things dollies liked to do. She looked, felt and even (usually) acted like a real person.

But she couldn't be.

The dolly could see around her that all the real people who played with her and talked to her had something she didn't: emotions. The dolly couldn't feel anything. She was empty. 

Sometimes there would be a flicker- the happiness when someone gave her a pretty new dress to wear, disappointment when someone outgrew her and stopped playing with her- but they were only ever just flickers, never things that stayed or could reach all the way into her where her heart should be. The dolly even wondered if she had a heart. Maybe that was where the emotions lived. Therefore, the dolly concluded, she must not have a heart.

The dolly wanted to fix this, she wanted to be real, but she didn't know how. She didn't know how to make a heart. At first she tried just faking it. "Fake it till you make it" was something the real people said. So the dolly tried. She pretended to be a real person with all her might, and she pretended that she felt things. She pretended to be happy when something good happened, and be sad when something bad happened. But the dolly just started to find that pretending made her tired. That even though it was what she was made for pretending so hard for so long made her not want to play with anybody anymore.

After months of pretending became years the dolly decided it was no longer worth it. Trying to be a real person was too tiring, but being around real people, being so close to the thing she wanted but couldn't have, hurt to much.

Wait- it hurt.

Pain was kind of like an emotion. It was a feeling, and that was close right?

So the dolly thought that maybe pain was the way to build herself a heart. At first the dolly just continued to be around real people, and let the pain take over when her desperate desire built up enough, but it wasn't too long before that wasn't enough.

Feeling anything became like a drug to the dolly. Something she needed to survive. And like any, drug eventually she needed more and more to achieve the same result.

So the dolly started to create her own pain. The dolly made little marks on her skin, turning her pale colour coating red. The dolly thought that was curious. She never knew that her paint could change colour. She wondered if it meant something. The dolly started to grow hopeful.

She would go out again with the real people and be so close to having emotions that it was enough for a while. When it stopped being enough the dolly would just add new marks. 

The dolly kept her marks hidden from the people who played with her. She liked real people too much, but knew that nobody would want to play with a broken dolly. So she kept her secret to herself.

Eventually, as these things always do, the marks all started to fade. Even the new ones weren't helping anymore and the dolly started to put herself in dangerous places just so she could feel the fear (fear was another almost emotion that came easier than happiness). She would stop wearing her winter princess clothes, even when it was really cold out, preferring to wear her summer dresses so that she could feel the temperature change. She also started choosing to play with people who wanted to break her, or to play games that were more and more unsafe for the dolly. The fear helped. And the risky games usually caused her some level of pain. She didn't like the pain, but it was better than going back to feeling nothing. And sometimes, through the pain, there was another little flicker. She could never pin down what that one was, no matter how hard she tried, but she had a feeling the flicker was good, and that maybe, if she just went further and pushed harder she could catch it. The dolly kept playing her risky games with the dangerous real people. She didn't know any better. The real people who used to play with her a lot started telling the dolly that they didn't like her new games. That she was going to be broken and that they didn't want to see that happen to such a lovely dolly.

They didn't know that the dolly already was broken. That that was why she was doing this. The dolly just tried to hide her new game better then. She simply wouldn't tell the real people about the others and she'd be fine. But the secrets became toxic. The dolly spent so much time trying to remember who was who and who knew what and how each of her real people wanted to play with her that she became distant from all real people. The dolly started to lose her hope again. Without the nice real people around the risky games with the others started to mean nothing. They stopped helping. The dolly had to go back to basics.

The dolly started making new marks on her skin again. That was the thing she had started with, and she knew she could do that and still play with the nice real people. But after being so close to emotion all the time the shallow marks weren't enough. So one day the dolly sliced into her skin with a knife. She bled! Dollies shouldn't bleed, she thought. If they didn't have a heart then they have anything to pump the blood. It must be working! She must have been creating a heart for herself!

This made the dolly excited. The few real people who still played with the dolly even while she was playing with the others, were happy for the dolly. They didn't know why but it seemed like she was being fixed and enjoying their games again. The real people liked the dolly. They didn't care if she was a little bit broken, they though that she was fun, and sweet and she made them feel nice. Of course the dolly didn't know that. The dolly just thought they were more stubborn than the other real people. The dolly was glad to play with them again though. And at night, when they would all go home to their real families the dolly went to her workshop where she lived and would make new marks. The more they bled, the happier the dolly was. She liked having a heart. Even if it seemed to be a bit of a broken heart that could only really feel pain and fear, it was something, and it was hers. Nobody could take that away from the dolly.

The dolly started wondering if maybe there was a way she could become a real person forever, not just temporarily. The dolly was starting to realize that breaking herself wasn't a sustainable way to be real. The dolly thought once that maybe if she made a deep enough mark, maybe if she really, actually broke, she could become real, but that didn't work. 

All that did was make the dolly sad and the more marks she made, the faster the emptiness came back.

The dolly started to give up, but not in a bad way. The dolly decided that if she couldn't break herself into becoming real then maybe, just maybe there were other dollies that knew of how to become real. She decided that the emptiness would be worth it for a little while if she could become a real person forever.

Other dollies she talked to at first tried to tell her that she was being silly. That real people weren't actually that different and that she should just enjoy the people who wanted to play with her and be happy about it. They didn't seem to understand that the dolly *couldn't* be happy. The dolly had never spent much time talking to other dollies, preferring to stay close to the real world she wanted so desperately to be part of so in hearing the other dollies talk it seemed like they had emotions. Not as much as real people, but they had something. This confused the dolly and she started asking questions. Many of the other dollies didn't like her being curious. As someone who was never close to their little community in the first place the dolly was viewed as an outsider and a trouble maker. The dolly was becoming discouraged that she didn't really belong to either world, but didn't give up.

The dolly continued to ask her questions until she finally met another dolly with the same problems and same dreams. Together the two dollies went to a meeting with other dollies who wanted to be real.

The meeting was led by a Worker who was a real person who helped to make the dollies. The Worker explained that all dollies were supposed to have a basic emotion program, but in some dollies the code got confused. Some dollies ended up with only sad emotions, some dollies were too happy one day, and too sad the other and some dollies couldn't feel anything at all.

The Worker said that most dollies didn't know about the code. Most of them felt they didn't to understand it because theirs worked just fine. It was only those dollies whose codes had malfunctioned that started to understand. Some of these dollies went on to educate others, even some Workers were starting to tell all dollies about the code so that the broken dollies could be fixed sooner.

The winter princess dolly didn't know what to think. As the Worker explained the dolly became more and more nervous. It was starting to sound like the Worker didn't want them to be real, but wanted them to be better functioning dollies.

The dolly finally asked the question, "I thought we were supposed to become real people. Like you."

The Worker smiled at her, "And so you are."

The Worker told them something that nobody in the world had been able to explain yet, but that was true all the same.

It was only dollies with a malfunctioned code that wanted to become real people. And when their codes began to malfunction, it somehow created it's own fail-safe. There were, for lack of a better scientific explanation, magic words that could delete the code completely.

Upon hearing this many of the dollies looked confused. Some even looked scared.

The Worker quickly reassured them. If they didn't have a code, they were free. Once the code was gone they could be a real person and be able to build their own emotions how they wanted to, rather than be slaves to a code that wasn't working properly.

The Worker explained that this code was the biggest difference between real people and the dollies. Other than how the dollies were made of course. But the dollies had all the same parts as a real person.

"Even a heart?" The winter princess dolly asked.

"Even a heart." The Worker confirmed. The winter princess dolly felt stupid that she had gotten everything so wrong.

She felt so stupid that she didn't want to hear anymore about the magic words. She didn't deserve to be a real person, not if she was going to make stupid mistakes like that.

Now that she knew that she had a heart, it hurt. It hurt so much.

It was a different kind of pain than she had felt before. It wasn't superficial. This pain was deep, and she didn't know how to control it. Feeling hurt and scared the dolly went back to her workshop.

She didn't know what to do.

The dolly stayed in her workshop by herself. Even when some of nice real people came over to play the dolly didn't answer. She just wanted to be alone. Forever.

After some time avoiding everyone one of the dolly's real people came to the workshop. As usual the dolly didn't answer, but this time the person was stubborn. And didn't leave. 

The person was a Woman. One who had been with the dolly for a long time, and one of the few real people who stuck around when the dolly would play the risky game with the others.

The dolly waited and waited for the Woman to leave, but she didn't. So the dolly went to talk to her. The dolly would say she didn't want to play today and the Woman would leave.

When the Woman saw the dolly she didn't say anything, just ran up to the dolly and hugged her. The dolly was not expecting this.

At all.

It was as if all a sudden the emotions that the dolly couldn't feel came flooding out of her. The dolly felt wetness on her cheeks.

"Shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay." The Woman whispered.

"I don't understand. I don't...it hurts. It hurts so much. Is this how you real people feel? Because if it is I don't want to be a real person anymore. I can't." The dolly cried.

The Woman didn't say anything for a long time, and just let the dolly cry and cry until she couldn't anymore. When the dolly was finished the Woman said only two words, "Tell me."

So the dolly did. She told the Woman everything. About not having feelings, about wanting to be a real person, about all the stupid thoughts she had had and things she had tried to do to build the heart that was already there. About the group and learning about the code. And about the magic words. About how she wanted so badly to know more, but knew that if she became a real person she'd be a stupid person, look at all the mistakes she had already made as a dolly. It was bad enough she was a bad and broken dolly, she didn't want to be bad, broken *stupid* real person. The real people didn't need her around. The dolly then told the Woman to go. The Woman wouldn't want to play with her anymore now that the Woman new how broken her winter princess dolly was.

To the dolly's surprise, the Woman laughed. Didn't laugh at her though, but a quiet sad laugh. The dolly was confused. The Woman told the dolly that yes, real people felt that kind of emotional pain sometimes, but it didn't last forever, and the other extreme was worth it. The happiness that a real person could feel was amazing, even though it didn't always last.

"You're not just a dolly you know." The Woman said. "You're a friend. To all of us. You're nice and sweet and you make us laugh. We have fun when we play with you, and that's important. Even if on the outside you don't look perfect, that's okay. You're not broken, you're you. You're a good dolly. You'd be a good person, if that's what you want. I think you should go for it."

"Good dolly." "Good person." for some reason those words felt right to the dolly. Not completely, but there was something about them that stuck with her. Maybe it had something to do with the magic words. Although given what she had just felt the dolly wasn't sure she even needed them anymore. It felt like her code was breaking down on its own.

The dolly and Woman talked for a long time. About anything and everything. They made each other laugh and they had fun. When the Woman left the dolly went back out to find the Worker she had met before.

The dolly saw the Worker was just finishing a group with some other dollies. Waiting patiently the dolly approached the Worker when all the other dollies were gone.

The Worker smiled at her.

"I was worried about you," she said. "I'm glad you're back."

The dolly felt something stir inside her heart. This was the second person today to make her feel like not just a dolly, but someone to be cared about. It was a feeling that would take some getting used to, but it was a good one.

The dolly asked the Worker about the magic words. How did they work? Was it possible to become a real person without them? If she still had a code how did she have so much emotion with the Woman?

The Worker explained that the magic words were different for each dolly. And nobody knew what they were until they were said. But once the dollies started looking for them, their code would start to change a little bit. Would start to read slightly differently in order to guide the dollies on the right path to find their words. The dolly just had to try to her best to follow what these new feelings told her, and to not give up. The dolly would know once she found her magic words, but they wouldn't work fully right away. The magic had to happen over time. And the words would sometimes need to be refreshed.

The dolly took in everything that the Worker told her and slowly started to look for her words. The dolly started to play with her real people again (her friends?) and began to enjoy herself once more. She made new friends and tried new things.

Eventually the dolly discovered that the risky game she used to play with the others could be fun when done in the right way. And less risky. She started playing that game again too, but this time with people who didn't want to break her. She realized that not only was it just fun, but that sometimes it helped her to focus the confusing emotions her ever-changing code was causing her. And she discovered what that flicker was she experienced with the others. When she was in pain, but it was a nice kind, and she trusted the real person she was playing with not to break her, she found a wonderful safe place. She couldn't really describe it, all she knew was that it was happy. It was during one of these games that the dolly found her magic words. She was in her happy place and feeling very far away when suddenly the words clicked.

The dolly was so shocked it snapped her right back to the present moment. All her friends were laughing and having fun and she was so excited she jumped up.

"What is it? What's wrong?" one of her friends asked, concerned at the sudden change.

"Nothing. Nothing at all. It's just...I think we did it. I feel...different. And I think I have a name." All her friends had just started calling her Winter, when she told them she didn't want to be a dolly anymore and it was possible that she could be a real person, but she now knew that wasn't her True Name.

Her friends all laughed and hugged her and she felt so happy.

Sometimes, the words start to lose their magic. Sometimes she starts going back to feeling like an empty dolly. But when that happens she knows that soon the time will be right for her to hear the words again. She just has to try her best to be patient (she's not always perfect at it, but no person is) and the magic can happen again. She knows the words, now she just has to hear them:

_"Good Girl"_


End file.
